He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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