FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
