We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
