Got a toothbrush?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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