Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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