final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
