it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
