Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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