I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
