I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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