the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
