i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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