Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
