Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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