where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
