I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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