On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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