I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Jerry, you need to find god
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
