Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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