It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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