I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
