i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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