so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
