i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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