just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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