he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
