I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
