They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
