My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
