I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
