i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
