I met the friendliest cop last night
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
