She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
