forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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