so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
