Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
