that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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