we have officially lost it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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