I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I did not marry a roomba.
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