You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
