The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
