I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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