The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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