Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
