I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
