my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
