Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
