you traded sex for a burrito?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
