Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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