Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
