All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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